Gayla Rowling is the Manager at Leiston Library and has worked for Suffolk Libraries for almost 10 years. Gayla is also part of our Wellbeing Champions, who help tackle mental health stigma, improve wellbeing among staff and promote healthy living. Gayla shares her experiences with hormonal replacement therapy (HRT).

I remember when I was in my twenties, my mum – who was going through her menopause at the time – saying “I hate to think you’ll have to go through this when the time comes.” So I didn’t expect an easy ride.

However, I think compared to some other women’s experiences it hasn’t been so terrible. I’ve been pretty lucky, but it’s not a bag of laughs!

When I was approaching my 50th birthday, I noticed four things: 1) my periods had more or less stopped, 2) I was tired a lot, 3) I kept forgetting stuff, and 4) I was permanently evil.

Periods stopping and tiredness I was certain were symptomatic of menopause, and I was the right age, so that was expected. I was actually expecting hot flushes and my hair started to fall out - so surely the other stuff wasn’t menopause?

When you start talking to people (especially older and wiser women!), you find out there are so many ways the menopause manifests itself. My lovely colleague described how dog tired she was during hers, and recommended HRT to help. A bit of googling revealed memory loss starts to happen too (great). I’m only 50 and I can’t remember what I was talking about 15 minutes ago! And – the worst symptom for me – was the evilness. You know when you have PMT, and your mouth runs away with you and you lose it over the tiniest thing and bite peoples’ heads off, and feel angry and emotional and tearful, but you just don’t realise you’re doing it at the time? That was me. I felt like I had PMT, full time. As I was due to get married the week before my 50th this didn’t bode well.

So, I went and had a chat with the doctor. She agreed that my menopause had probably happened, and HRT might help. She gave me some information about the risks (which I felt were pretty minimal) and I went back and nearly bit her arm off for the drugs.

I think they’ve made quite a difference. In the first couple of months of taking it my (now) husband bravely said, “I think maybe you need to up your HRT dosage”. He survived, and I persevered with the same dose, and things settled down. After a while I felt more my normal self and less tired all the time.

The brain fog doesn’t seem to have cleared though. I’m forgetful. I don’t take on new information so well. I make more mistakes. And at work, I seem to go through spells of cocking up the leave cover, getting dates and info wrong on posters, or just being clumsy and rubbish. I don’t seem able to think things through as logically. This apparently is ‘normal’ – and I know this mostly from talking to other women who are menopausal or post-menopausal.

Some other symptoms have emerged: I do get the occasional night sweat where I wake up drenched, and felt reassured when a lady from Wellbeing Suffolk who gave a talk about menopause told us EVERYTHING dries up – skin, joints, hair… I won’t frighten the horses by going into that too much, but you get the picture. But the drugs help. Apparently, you can take them forever (because those hormones will never come back, the symptoms can hang around), and I will.

Talking about it helps too. Not hiding the problems away. If you mention what you’re experiencing to other women who are going through it or who have been through it, you’re pretty much guaranteed empathy. And if we talk about it openly, hopefully it’ll be better understood and accommodated and supported by everyone – whether they are yet to go through it or will never go through it. We don’t need to whisper about it and regard it as ‘women’s problems’ when its effects seem to have a wide impact. I don’t think there’s a one-size-fits-all cure all for it but it’s worth speaking to a GP or seeking help if it gets a bit much.

I’m 55 now. I talk about stuff, I take my medication, I do a bit of exercise, I have early nights, I ask for help if I need it. Some days I feel like an old lady and some days I think ‘could be a lot worse’. I worried that being so rubbish at my job when I’m deep in the brain fog that I’d upset the people around me and get told off by the grown-ups. Now I make sure I explain the brain fog… while I’m apologising!